Resistance is Futile

When you know what you need but you don't know how to get there. When you know what you need and you're no longer concerned what others will think. When you know what you need but you don't even know if it will be possible to get there. What do you do? What's your first step?

My first step was sitting in traffic, trying to get my kids to school, on the verge of road rage. I realized, I'm not this person. I don't get upset in traffic. You can't do anything about traffic, why get upset about it? I don't understand people who experience road rage, who is this person? I knew immediately I needed to do something about myself and my behaviors, the only thing I did have control over. I knew this wasn't just about road rage. I knew I was walking around on a tight rope, reacting to small things, not reacting to others. I was constantly frazzled, always exhausted. Who was I? I needed to figure out how not to react to things, to him.

I Hate Yoga!

I immediately signed up at a yoga studio, I hated yoga. While I've exercised my whole life, participated in different sports, ran a marathon, biked, did pilates, boxed, you name it, I hated yoga. I wasn't flexible, it was frustrating and boring. Often in life, that which you resist the most, is what you truly need. So, I joined a program that had different types of classes all day, at different times - it met my ever changing schedule. And, it had meditation classes - something I always failed at but knew I wanted/needed to practice.

I tried several different types of yoga classes until I fell into one that felt right, Ashtanga Yoga. I'm not great at it, it's a practice, a journey. I'm not always consistent, but I try. I feel better when I am practicing and lacking when I don't.

And, the meditation. The key for me was finding Yoga Nidra. Going to those classes really helped me to break through the barrier of understanding what meditation could do for me; what it means to still the mind. Between that and my new found yoga practice, I was starting to find some internal peace.

Externally...that enraged him more. My lack of reactions was infuriating for him. I wasn't trying to ignore him, I was simply no longer engaging. It actually made things worse in many ways, but it made me stronger - mentally and physically. I was ready.